what we deserve vs. what we are given

Paul said himself that he was the "chief of sinners". pretty bold statement.
i have my own moments where i feel like I am the chief of all sinners past present and future.
i have my times when i falter in a battle against the flesh and fail.
i have my times when im completely ignorant toward what God is trying to say.
when this happens its like somebody has taken me over and is working the controls and im helpless to stop it.
funny thing is, ive let someone take over the controls.
my flesh is enslaved to Satan,
but my Spirit is free in Christ.
this flesh will NEVER be perfect.
my Spirit must suffocate my flesh and pound its face daily.
when i mess up royally i have that feeling of 'that was it. that was the sin that broke the camel's back' when thats def. not true. see, i beat myself up and i think thats fine. but let it be true. i dont want sin to be casual to me, i want to hate it. hate it.hate it. hate it. thats what i want. a pastor i listen to a good bit online said this when asked how to tell if youre not even saved or if youre a Christian struggling with sin, "What do you WANT to do? What do you really want in your deepest desire of your heart? If it is sin, check yourself. If it is to be righteous chances are you're just struggling with sin." i agree 100%. i just... idk. i feel like that tex collector who beat his chest and wouldnt even look up to heaven he would only repeat. I am a sinner, have mercy on me. over and over.
we deserve hell.
we deserve death.
we deserve God's just punishment for our sin.
we're given eternal life.
we're given life.
we're given a judgement free of condemnation.

that fact is starting to blow me away right now. romans 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. Christ is our scapegoat, not our credit card to sin. i dunno what else to type i just needed to type. I'm forgiven because He paid my price. My forgiveness is now a just act 1 john 1:9.
i love you Lord, let me live like it.